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  1. #1
    Formally "DuckyD" Matthew's Avatar
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    How to: Have sex with your crush

    So, you're in love with one of your friends, but she has a boyfriend and probably wouldn't have sex with you anyway.

    What you will need: 1 x knife, 1 x ring, access to a sunbed, the ability to grow a beard.

    Step One: Place the ring on your wedding finger and avoid contact with your friend for a month.

    Step Two: Stop shaving and use the sunbed to gain a tan.

    Step Three: After a month when your beard is full and your tan is noticeable, remove the ring from your finger.

    Step Four: Remove all your clothes and break into your friend's house.

    Step Five: Use the knife to cut your body in various places. Avoid the face. If possible, focus on your back. The more blood the better.

    Step Six: Enter your friend's bedroom and lie face down on the floor. Wait for her return.

    Step Seven: When she enters the room pretend to be unconscious. Allow her to turn you over and try to wake you for a few seconds before you open your eyes. The injuries to your body will serve as a distraction to your nakedness. She will be more concerned about your wellbeing instead of fearing the naked man in her room.

    Step Eight: When she asks you what's happened you should ignore her questions. Instead you must act confused and ask the date. If it's September 15th she will say 'September 15th' to which you must reply 'No, what year is it?'

    Step Nine: Upon hearing the year say the words 'It worked.' Pretend to lose consciousness again for a few seconds, implying that whatever it is that has worked took a great effort.

    Step Ten: If your friend is a curious person she will probably ask 'What worked?', even if she doesn't ask this question it is important that you now say the words '(Insert Friend's Name), I'm from the future' in your most deadpan voice.

    Step Eleven: Pause for ten seconds to allow the incrediblness of the situation to sink in. There will be no reason for her to doubt your claim, because your beard will make you appear many years older and your cuts would add weight to the idea that you've come from a post-apocalyptic future where a war is currently taking place.

    Step Twelve: Raise your left hand to your face. All women are very observant, so your friend will immediately notice the tanline on your wedding finger. If she is educated to a decent standard she will realise that you are married and your ring has simply disappeared, because clothing and other items cannot travel through time. Your nudity will support this.

    Step Thirteen: Now comes the hard part - The monologue. In your own words you must give a speech in which you mention all of these key points:

    a) You are married to each other in the future
    b) Her current boyfriend is dead
    c) The world is coming to an end. It's up to you to pick a reason, but I would recommend a war against machines. This whole situation will be backed up by the Terminator franchise
    d) In the future your relationship is not going well
    e) You've come back in time because you can't help but feel that she would have been happier with her current boyfriend if he hadn't been killed
    f) Her current boyfriend is going to be hit by a bus on a day six months from her present. She should stop him going to work that day
    g) If she does exactly what you say this current version of yourself will be erased and you will never get married. If she questions this flaw in your time travel logic, because you cannot change the past, simply reference Back to the Future

    Step Fourteen: Unless your friend is made of stone she will now be overcome by emotion, especially at your selflessness. Get to your feet and go to kiss her goodbye. It is important that you do this with the confidence of a man who has done this to her many times.

    Step Fifteen: There is now no possible way that you aren't about to have sex with her. You're naked, kissing her, in her bedroom, agreeing to erase a version of yourself from history to make her happy. And as far as she knows you've had sex many times in a future that will no longer happen, so she thinks to herself that maybe she should have one memory of it.

    Step Sixteen: After having the sex, ask to borrow some clothes then leave.

    Step Seventeen: Shave off your beard and coat your wedding finger in fake tan. Carry on as if nothing has happened. There will be three possible outcomes:

    1) During the sex some feelings that she didn't know existed are awakened and she will leave her boyfriend for you.
    2) Life will carry on as normal.
    3) You will be filled with guilt because of this moral grey area where you aren't entirely sure if what you've done counts as some kind of low level rape. You will take your own life by hanging, overdose or wrist cutting.
    .
    OFH

  2. #2
    Werd SteveO's Avatar
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    Only if that would work...

  3. #3
    Zan
    Zan is offline
    the white van Zan's Avatar
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    that pretty funny
    Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious
    Al says: "Love, hate, look, we're a family, what's the difference?"

  4. #4
    CJ
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    Me Likes Boost CJ's Avatar
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    wow I lol'd
    IG:RAWABILITY



  5. #5
    OF Senior Member darkstar's Avatar
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    lol was stickied on nonewbs.com for a while
    magical turning mustang
    2011 5.0

  6. #6
    OF Senior Member Rich's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by darkstar View Post
    lol was stickied on nonewbs.com for a while
    Lol I remember that.
    MFS Motorsports - It's Cool to Hate
    2001 Camaro SS - Cam Only - 403 HP 392 TQ
    Tuned by Geoff @ Next Level Performance

    Quote Originally Posted by Clarkson View Post
    Speed has never killed anyone, suddenly becoming stationary… that's what gets you.

  7. #7
    Sorry its my first day Sohcvtec1995's Avatar
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    lol
    Quote Originally Posted by TEDDER1 View Post
    Now I don't work for NASA, but I think you might have missed the window of opportunity.
    "owning a Type R is like a dream, you wake up and its gone."
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  8. #8
    IS A MOTHERFUCKER DERANGED's Avatar
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    lol wow

  9. #9
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  10. #10
    I love boobs. SubyWill's Avatar
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    lol!
    Motherfucking Slowbaru.



  11. #11
    OF Junior Member Dimes's Avatar
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    so ****ing funny
    Quote Originally Posted by Ward View Post
    The punishment for crying rape when there was no rape should be rape.

    Quote Originally Posted by rokudan View Post
    "No way dude... I saw an LS1 fight Godzilla and the LS1 beat Godzilla and it looked in the air and was like, what do you think of that God? And God was like, bring it b!tch. So they fought and the LS1 beat God and now the LS1 is God because it's the greatest thing ever."

  12. #12
    OF Senior Member Ward's Avatar
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    I've seen this

  13. #13
    Formally "DuckyD" Matthew's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ward View Post
    I've seen this
    I came here to post this.
    OFH

  14. #14
    Fah Q Lorenzo. Go Spies #11 for '11 The Raven's Avatar
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    i am lol'ing
    I am Dakotaracers Bitch

    I AM A GAY COCKNOZZLE!!

    You live more for five minutes going fast on a bike like that, than other people do in all of their life. -Marco Simoncelli-

  15. #15
    VVL
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    arguably the funniest thing ive read all day

  16. #16
    The News Guy Donkey Elephant's Avatar
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    you could do all that...

    or slip her some floories...
    Quote Originally Posted by Nathan Lewis' testimony before congress
    According to a study of 775 floating currencies...the average life expectancy of a floating fiat currency was found to be 27 years.
    Quote Originally Posted by Ron Paul's Farewell Address
    Real patriotism is the willingness to challenge the government when it's wrong.
    أحمد حكمي

  17. #17
    OF Executive Chef '94 Bad A Z28's Avatar
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    Sounds doable...



  18. #18
    Because I can 89gotballz's Avatar
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    im going to try it.....

  19. #19
    hai :)
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    lol wtf who thought of that

  20. #20
    New Member HACKER's Avatar
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    who was the nerd that wrote that?


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